I Think, Therefore I Color Commentate

Here's something I can't stand: when sportscasters precede an objective fact with the phrase, "I think". Either player A is bigger or smaller than player B. Either player A is 23 or 36 or 42. Either player B caught 3 or 7 or 10 touchdowns in 2002. These are not up for discussion; these are basic easy-to-prove facts. 

 

"In my opinion," they might say, "player A is a better rebounder than player B." Well if player A pulls down 13 boards a game and player B pulls down 4, then they can unequivocally say that A is better to B. Yet for some reason, they don't. They preface. They try to make themselves sound smarter than they are. And yet, it backfires.

 

In my opinion, they could use some classes in public speaking and ego restraint. (Oh there I go, stating a fact as opinion again.)

 

 

The Hotness that is Sarah Silverman

In his article on Sarah Silverman this Sunday, LA Times television critic Paul Brownfield cut straight to the core of why so many men, including myself, find the sexy yet raunchy comic irresistible:

Ah, the achy love particular to a slightly less clever white Jewish male for the Semitic goddess who is meaner and quicker, who can talk so dirty and yet be so pretty in cargo pants and a T-shirt.

As one of those white Jewish males Brownfield mentions—and one who can appreciate and laugh at a good Jewish joke—I concur.

In other Sunday Calendar section news, I noticed a first (for me, at least). When reporters reveal to readers how they conducted an interview, they usually say "speaking on the phone from her home in Milwaukee" or "while sitting in the All-American Burger on Sunset", but this is the first time I can remember an interview being conducted completely within a second-life computer game. Speaking of the virtual universe where she spends much of her time, an interviewed player said "she agreed to speak only through her RedLightCenter avatar."

RedLightCenter is like World of Warcraft, just replace warlocks, wizards, witches and trolls with prostitutes, pimps, perverts and, well, probably more trolls. It's creepy on many levels, yet it is the future and I suppose we should all just embrace it. I've always wanted to be a pimp.

Quid Pro Colbert

It's amazing the symbiotic relationship Stephen Colbert has created with other media entities. Twice this week on his Comedy Central show The Colbert Report, Colbert has held up a magazine and talked about his inclusion in it. First it was People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue, which named him one of the sexiest men "with glasses." Then it was GQ's "Men of the Year", which also featured a picture and brief article about him.

It's a beautiful quid pro quo Colbert has developed. A magazine puts him in its pages, he puts the magazine on the show. He puts the magazine on the show, more people buy the magazine. People read the article about him in the magazine, more people watch the show. Everybody wins.

It's not just magazines, of course. Who followed Saginaw minor league hockey before the team changed it's mascot to Stephen Cobeagle the Eagle? How many people were interested in visiting Hungary's web site until Colbert entered himself into the country's "name a bridge" competition and urged his viewers to vote for him? When someone quotes him or references his show--whether it's Oprah, the New York Times, or Bill O'Reilly--it is virtually guaranteed that Colbert will mention it on The Report. He may praise it sarcastically, mock it, or belittle it, but he will quote it nonetheless. And the beauty of it is, his blatant grab at any publicity doesn't come across as ungenuine or forced, because it is exactly how his character "Stephen Colbert Cable News Bloviator" should act. He's playing the part perfectly, allowing him to naturally bask in his glory.

Colbert is a one-man publicity vortex, rising the tide and lifting all boats. Get ready to see him in more magazines and on more television shows to come.

A Powerful Lott

In the next few days, a major political story will be Sen. Trent Lott running for Republican Whip. He will be trying to regain some of the power he lost in 2002, when he was forced to resign as Senate Republican Leader after remarks he made at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond's centenarian birthday party. During his toast, Lott included this juicy little sound bite, alluding to Thurmond's presidential bid in 1948 on an anti-segregation platform:

"I want to say this about my state [Mississippi]: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

Despite my occasional fit of giggles at the sight of (yet another) Republican scandal, my chuckles didn't have quite the same enthusiasm about them as they did during: the many DeLay ethics violations and ultimate resignation, the Jack Abramoff fall-out, the numerous volumes of President Bush blunders and stumbles, the Vice President shooting his load on a friend, "macaca"—you know what, this could go on a while, we should probably just end the list here.

The media reaction was harsh and the fallout precipitous, and I must admit I actually felt a little sorry for Sen. Lott. I mean, who hasn't given a toast and ran out of good things to say? Sometimes there just isn't much material to work with, so you start grabbing for any little glimmer of a memory the two of you may have shared and using grandiose words that sound better than they're defined. What often happens next is overcompensation—fishing so deep that you reel in complements you don't believe and anecdotes that never happened, capped off with the wild flourish at the end, when you get so carried away in your embellishments you don't realize you just endorsed segregation and ruined your political career while adding a couple more paragraphs to your eventual obituary. That's a tough act to follow.

In the ensuing days, when his comment turned into a Gary Condit-level controversy (sleazy Representative from California + dead female intern = Senator from the South + comment interpreted as racist), Lott was stuck. Sure he issued classic non-apology apologies, but he couldn't completely denounce his comments—that would signal to Thurmond that he just made that last part up and surely hurt the old man's feelings. But by the time Thurmond died a year later, the controversy had too, and it was too late for Lott to acknowledge he just said it to make the crazy old coot smile.

So I say good luck to you, Sen. Lott. You've just been reelected for a fourth term, and it's time for you to venture on your quest to regain power. You're done being the whipping boy; now it's your chance to reclaim the Whip.

On second thought, that may come across as a little racist.

Britney's Dirty Little Secret

She really doesn't want this information to get out since it could ruin her reputation, but I'm going to spread the news anyway: did you know that Britney Spears plays chess?

Like the article states, it is indeed quite "odd."

Oh, and she's in a sex tape. But we knew that would happen sooner or later, so I wouldn't really classify it as news.

A Four Hour Election

The smoke has cleared, the dust has settled, and the Head-On commercials have reclaimed their time slots from all the campaign ads (I can't decide what I enjoyed not suffering through more). What crazy shenanigans did California voters unleash on election day? Let's take break it down 80's style, with my picks, the Los Angeles Times editorial page's picks, and the winners:

Prop 1A
Me: Yes
LA Times: No
Winner: Yes

Prop 1B
Me: Yes
LAT: Yes
Winner: Yes

Prop 1C
Me: Yes
LAT: No
Winner: Yes

Prop 1D
Me: Yes
LAT: Yes
Winner: Yes

Prop 1E
Me: No
LAT: Yes
Winner: Yes

Prop 83
Me: No
LAT: No
Winner: Yes

Prop 84
Me: Yes
LAT: Yes
Winner: No

Prop 85
Me: No
LAT: No
Winner: No

Prop 86
Me: Yes
LAT: Yes
Winner: No

Prop 87
Me: Yes
LAT: No
Winner: No

Prop 88
Me: Yes
LAT: No
Winner: No

Prop 89
Me: Yes
LAT: No
Winner: No

Prop 90
Me: Yes
LAT: No
Winner: No

Me: 5-8
LAT: 8-5

Congratulations LA Times, you whooped me. If we were betting against the spread though, I would have had beaten you easily, since many of the underdogs covered. Next time. By 2008 you'll probably have gone through seven or eight editor-in-chiefs and a couple of owners by then, if you're still in existence at all. I'll get my vengeance then.

Dead Bradley

If I believed in hell, that's probably where I would be going for using this headline, but sometimes a pun is just too good to worry about the moral or karmic implications.

We all though Andy Rooney was a lock for the distinction, but Ed Bradley swooped in and became the first journalist from "60 Minutes" to pass away. He died yesterday from leukemia at the age of 65.

Bradley was an excellent reporter and interviewer, and certainly the most influential black journalist in the country. But what I am going to miss the most is the sight of the grey-bearded, bald sexagenarian wearing an earring in his left ear. It was absurd and distracting and delightful.